Facing our past can be scary. The barrage of intense emotions attached to that past is typically an even more horrifying thought. I talk with so many people who have unprocessed emotion, which seems to force their lives off the rails. They understand the need to address the problem, but they simply can’t summon the courage.
When you find yourself in a space such as this, you have to ask yourself, “Which is scarier….facing and processing my emotions, or keeping everything the same and endlessly continuing my suffering?”
I recently had a client who contacted me about losing weight. When I asked her about her weight issue, she said it stemmed from climbing into bed every evening, watching TV and eating junk food. She couldn’t force herself to stop eating. She said she stayed busy throughout the day with chores and ate small, healthy portions, but things changed at night when it was time for bed.
Subsequent questions revealed that her husband had passed away almost a decade ago. She shared how angry she was with him because he ignored symptoms of his illness. If he’d only gone to the doctor he might still be alive today, she lamented. She was full of emotions that were ready to boil over.
I worked with her to initially clear and process some of these emotions but she was adamant she didn’t want to do this. She had been taught as a child to suppress her emotions. She was never able to “feel” and process what she was experiencing. She had carried this programming through her entire life, and she had clearly reached her capacity.
She was bursting at the emotional seams with anger and sadness from the loss of her husband and trying to manage the profound loneliness of climbing into each night alone. Her eating was a subconscious manifestation of comfort seeking and security in light of her loss.
After multiple attempts to assist this client, using several different modalities, she admitted that she couldn’t surrender to the process. But the reality is that the subconscious mind will only do what it’s ready to do when it’s ready to do it, and not a moment sooner. My client went silent, and I didn’t hear back from her.
Knowing she had the strength, resources, and ability to help herself, and my commitment to her healing, I felt a little encouragement might save the day, so I wrote her the following letter….
Dear Jane Doe,
I had a feeling that, after your trip, you might fade into the woodwork. I wanted to reach out and offer some supportive thoughts to consider. You’re an amazing and energetic woman. You have your health and so much living yet to do. I remain committed to being here and helping you. Part of that process is gently nudging you when you need a nudge (wink! wink!).
There are two things I want to talk about. The first is your weight loss goal. The second is the reason the weight loss has been (and will remain) a challenge. Some of this we’ve discussed, but it’s worth hearing again because you have everything you need within reach. It’s just getting to the place where you can grab the solution and be done with all of this.
Weight Loss Goal:
The weight isn’t the problem. It’s a symptom. The eating at night that causes the weight is also not the problem, but another symptom. Most people try to go after the symptoms. This is a conscious mind effort. This approach never addresses the core issue so the symptoms either come back, remain, or manifest as new or different symptoms. The core issue is in the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind always wins because its job is to provide safety, protection, comfort, pleasure and it avoids change in nearly every form.
Your subconscious mind is doing its job. It’s protecting you. It’s keeping you safe and comfortable. From what? Painful emotions that haven’t been processed and the massive void that’s been the cause of those emotions. How does the subconsciousness mind do this? By distracting you with pleasure.
During the day your subconscious mind fills your schedule up with all kinds of chores, activities and to-do items to keep you busy. But when bedtime comes, there aren’t any more activity-based distractions to be had. The TV helps and then your subconscious mind uses food to immerse you into pleasant feelings and satisfaction.
Reason the Weight Loss Goal is a Challenge:
As a child you were taught/told/programmed not to show or feel your emotions. You carried this programming into adulthood where it’s been of little service to you. The problem with this programming is that you have a lifetime of emotion suppressed and buried inside you. Your metaphoric “release valve” goes off every now and then to relieve some of the pressure, but your container has remained mostly full.
Your husband’s illness and subsequent death put you into emotional overload. Although you’ve processed some of your emotions, a lifetime of suppressed emotions and the inability to fully process the events around your husband have left you with a surplus of deep sadness, anger and loss (grief).
Your subconscious mind tries to distract you from these feelings and emotions by keeping you busy and occupied. Some of these things are productive (daily chores), while some are not. The latter is the nighttime eating, and this is driven by the intense emptiness and sadness of climbing into bed alone. To prevent you from feeling these emotions your subconscious mind buries them and distracts you from having to “feel” by sending you to the kitchen for comfort foods.
The core issue is the unprocessed emotions. Once these are addressed and neutralized, your subconscious mind will no longer send you to the kitchen. The weight will all come off…. permanently.
There is only one way through this dark valley. That one way is to finally feel all these emotions in an intense and authentic way. Once that’s done, you’ll finally be liberated from all of this. I know this isn’t something you want to do, nor has it been (up to this point) something you’ve been willing to do. Your subconscious mind will only do what it’s willing and able to do when it deems it’s willing and able. Not a second sooner.
I’ve done this work, and I know it’s scary, daunting and no fun to even think about. The reality is that there’s only one passage. I’ve been through that passage. It was hard for me.
As an “alpha male” I cried like a baby in front of nine people and two instructors in my hypnotherapy class. Not an easy task for a guy. But I was done with the suffering and emotional baggage. It was time and I was finally ready. I let 50+ years of rage, sadness, guilt and shame go.
I can tell you that the release, clearing and liberation on the other side makes feeling all those painful emotions worth it. I promise. There is no shot, surgery or anything else that’s going to get you through this. You can go get surgery and you’ll only find that you’re still climbing in bed with ice cream, chips and whatever else. The weight will eventually come back if the core issue isn’t addressed.
When you decide you are tired of suffering and no longer want to be held captive by these emotions, I will be there for you. We can cry together, punch pillows, yell and scream and do whatever you need to do free yourself. This is your time to live. It’s finally okay to feel something, even the bad stuff, so you can finally move on, but you must give yourself permission to finally feel those feelings.
I do this work because I know what it did for me, and I’ve seen what it can do in other people’s lives. It’s profound and life changing. You may not be ready now. You may not be ready next month. This letter may piss you off and I may not hear from you ever again. But I want to reemphasize my commitment to your journey and finding resolution.
I will always be here for you if you ever find you’re ready to make that change. No matter what decision you make, whether that includes me, or not, you are a special person, and I wish you the very best of success in finding peace.
Sincerely,
David Crisp, CCHt.
Gateway Hypnotherapy, LLC.
Unfortunately, as of this writing, I haven’t heard back from this client. It’s an example of how daunting the healing process can be and how the timing is dictated by the subconscious mind’s readiness and willingness to end its suffering.
I remain hopeful for her. If you’re struggling with a similar issue and find it hard to take that first step, I encourage you to weigh the consequences of leaving things unchanged and the continued suffering that’s attached to that decision. Help is available. Give yourself permission to receive....
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