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Parenting Teens: Policing the Subconscious Mind

Writer's picture: David M. Crisp, Jr.David M. Crisp, Jr.

Updated: Dec 4, 2024


When I was a police officer working night shift I was sometimes dispatched to domestic disturbances between teens and their parents. The teen was usually a boy, as this is a period in life where the testosterone is raging, but the concept I’d like to introduce is applicable to girls, as well.


Upon arrival, I would ask the teen if I was talking to an adult, or a child. This would give me insight into the “headspace” the teen was in at the given moment. Why was this important? Because the answer would dictate how I would interact with the teen. If they said they were a child, I would be more authoritative and direct them to be quiet and sit down until I spoke with their parent(s). If the teen confirmed they were an adult, I would initiate conversation with them immediately, carry-on with a more collaborative adult tone and ask how we could work together to solve the problem at hand.


Teens are in a transitional period in the developmental cycle. There are many changes taking place simultaneously, both cognitively and physically. As I’ve noted in previous blog posts, the subconscious mind (old human brain) develops from birth to about eight years old. It’s the “operating system” we create early in life that runs over 90% of who we are and how we show up in the world. The conscious mind (new human brain that deals with critical thinking) starts to develop from eight or nine until the early twenties. During the teen years, an individual will oscillate between conscious mind, and subconscious mind thought, and can be in either head space at any given time. It’s important to note that the subconscious mind houses are emotions, so when we’re in an aroused emotional state our old “animal” brain is running the show. When emotion subsides, the the more logical conscious mind returns and a clearer head prevails.

By asking a teen if I’m talking to an adult or a child I can determine if I’m dealing with someone still in an emotionally aroused state or still in a childlike head space. More importantly, if a teen says they’re an “adult” it’s critical I recognize this as teens are developing their conscious mind to transition into adulthood. Speaking to then like an adult confirms their freshly sprouting independence, confirmation they can function (problem solve) like an adult and supports ongoing development of their conscious mind.


As a parent we tend to react when things get heated. We go into our own emotionally aroused state as our subconscious mind takes over to “fight”. The teen is already in this state and things only boil over for both parties. If we can recognize these different head spaces, we can better manage conflict and relationships with our teens. If it’s not readily evident at the time, you can always ask your teen if they are feeling like and adult or child. This will guide you in your effort to manage the situation. Moreover, this strategy will also work when dealing with difficult topics (inquiring about sexual activity, drug/alcohol use, etc.). Parenting teens can be a daunting task, but it’s incumbent upon us as parents to manage challenging interactions like adults to assure our teens safety and healthy development into adulthood.


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